02.01.06
Live-blogging the State of the Union Address
9:10 - Old man introduces the President. Wow, fancy seeing *him* here! Georgy shakes hands with tons of people who aren’t afraid to touch him (they must not be trying to get re-elected this year).
9:11 - Bush still walking down the aisle. He kisses a large black lady — could this be his Monica? Perhaps she gave him the tie he’s wearing? Where’s Linda Tripp when you need her?
9:12 - Cut to Laura clapping for him. She’s so stone-faced, she makes Hillary look friendly. Bush shakes hands with the various people on the front row who paid for VIP tickets. Are those the sounds of booing? Have I lost my mind, or is this just wishful thinking?
9:13 - Don’t forget Dick Cheney (aka the Emperor) clapping behind the podium.
9:14 - Bush is officially announced. Even John Kerry is clapping and smiling! … Bush opens the speech with a religious reference to Coretta Scott King reunited with her dead husband in Heaven. Praise Jesus!
9:15 - Need to check the definition of “rostrum“. “It’s been my honor to serve you.” Great! Now it’s time to resign!
9:16 - Bush says not to be angry, and that we should all get along. That’s a funny one, George. Tell another!
9:17 - At this point, isolationism actually *does* sound awfully inviting. Do we get to have a vote on that?
9:18 - The first 9/11 reference of the night. How many more do we have to look forward to? Ooh! “Weapons of mass destruction”! This is sounding familiar.
9:22 - Blah blah blah. Stay the course. Blah blah blah. Hate our freedom. Blah blah blah. Can’t retreat. Won’t retreat. Never surrender. Corey Hart would be proud.
9:23 - Oh my God! He just did that jaw thing that coke addicts do! I had heard about it but never seen it in person! Laura is totally zoning out.
9:25 - Bush says criticism is fine, as long as it’s not “defeatist”. In other words, if you disagree with him, it’s a problem.
9:27 - “Wow, I sure do like it when they clap for me!”
9:29 - Everyone clap for the conveniently placed dead soldier’s family. The applause won’t bring back your child who died for a war based on a series of lies, but this is nice.
9:30 - “Let us never forget the sacrifices of America’s military families.” Like Cindy Sheehan, who your cronies had arrested prior to the State of the Union?
9:31 - Mentioning that Hamas got elected in Palestine might not be the best argument for democracy worldwide, Mr. President. Just because people can vote doesn’t mean that they will vote in their own interests. The 2004 election in the U.S. was a great example of this sad truth.
9:32 - “Iran … must come to an end!” He said “nuke-u-lar” twice! People playing the State of the Union Drinking Game must be totally plastered by now. Speaking directly to the people of Iran, Bush says “won’t you be our friends?” I’m guessing that tons of Iranians are watching this speech right now. Bush *has* to be at *least* as popular as Desperate Housewives in Iran.
9:35 - “Terrorism here at home”. Is this where we start talking about illegal wiretapping? Does it even get a mention tonight? The jaw thing AGAIN!
9:36 - 9/11 mentioned again. Two of the hijackers placed overseas phone calls. I see where this is going. Here we go… “Terror surveillance program”… HAH! Here go the talking points… Congress was informed, past presidents have done it. “If there are people in our country talkin’ to Al Qaeda, we wanna know about it!” Do you think that’s exactly how his speechwriter put it? Hillary thinks that’s REALLY funny.
9:39 - “Freedom is on the march!” We haven’t heard that in a long time. Bush mentions “presidents of both parties”. That surprises me. Is he acknowledging that a president might be elected from another party? Hillary seems less amused, but that Jolly Rancher she’s sucking on sure seems tasty.
9:40 - “Seeing some old Temptations return…” Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Motown, the Temptations! No one told us that there would be special celebrity guests!
9:42 - Obvious lie #1! He says the tax cuts have put money into the hands of working families. That’s a funny story, since the tax cuts were for the top 1%. Now he wants the tax cuts permanent! And the Democratic side of the aisle stays seated.
9:43 - More than 143 programs are being eliminated. I hope one of them is Hannity & Colmes. We’re cutting the deficit in half by 2009. Pass the line item veto!
9:46 - “Congress did not act on my plan to reform Social Security.” Every Democrat stood up and cheered! HAH! Finally he says something the Democrats can appreciate. The jaw thing again!
9:48 - Screw the scandals in government. As long as we can keep the Mexicans out, everything will be fine!
9:49 - Apparently electronic record-keeping and investment accounts are the solution to expensive health care. Gee, I wonder who’s going to get those contracts? Does Diebold do that? How about Halliburton? Also, we need medical liability reform so those ob-gyns can practice their love on women.
9:50 - “Hello, my name is America, and I’m an oilaholic.” Yet another “nuke-u-lar” mention, but this time in regard to energy. Very surprising to hear Bush talking about alternative fuel sources. I’m guessing he has his fingers crossed behind his back. Or he’s about to yell “psych!”
9:52 - “…Make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past!” As soon as we can find a way for Halliburton to make lots of money off of it.
9:54 - Ah, good old No Child Left Behind. We’ve made a ton of progress with that! Just ask teachers that are sick of teaching to standardized tests because they’re terrified of losing funding.
9:57 - Unethical conduct gets a brief mention. Wow, that was impressive. Awww, ovation for crazy Alito. That’s neato.
10:00 - Now we talk about ethical reforms. Bush supports those reforms. That’s great. I wasn’t sure which side of the ethics issue he was going to fall on.
10:01 - Laura stands for her own standing ovation! Another wacky Bush jaw movement.
10:02 - Zoom in on Senator Mary Landrieu. It’s sad that I recognize her. But it was really nice when Anderson Cooper yelled at her about rats eating a dead body in the street. That’s why I remember her. Because she’s such a useless piece of politically driven trash.
10:06 - Thank God it’s finally over. Now it’s time for Bushy to exit. He yells something to someone who gives him a thumbs up. I think I lip-read him yelling, “Sure, I’d love some illegal campaign contributions! Give me a call on the red phone!”
10:08 - Mary Landrieu kissing Bush’s ass! Awww, what a perdy little Republican in Democrat’s clothing she is. Bush doesn’t have much time for this. He has more autographs (or Executive Orders, perhaps?) to sign. Note to self - check eBay tomorrow for autographs.
10:10 - Some woman… “Mr. President, I loved the part about alternative energy!” - “I knew you would!” he replies. I guess that’s Abramoff’s replacement at the firm, thanking him for the favor.
For some actual facts about the things Bush said tonight (instead of my snarky, mostly useless blathering), go here: Think Progress responds to State of the Union fact-by-fact
Tags: abramoff, bush, congress, democrats, george bush, george w bush, hillary clinton, jack abramoff, politics, rants, republicans, satire, state of the union