05.25.06
When MySpace Freaks Attack
I will confess — if you’re looking to find me on the Internet, it’s not that hard. I have accounts on Friendster, MySpace, Yahoo! 360, Hot or Not (don’t scoff!) and probably even more social sites that I haven’t even thought of. My vast online presence has made me completely unafraid of posting pictures of myself, personal stories about my life, and all sorts of other identifying information. It’s so easy to hit “upload”, “send”, or “submit”, that I don’t often stop and contemplate the potential consequences. Until now.
The online threat du jour in today’s tale of horror and intrigue is MySpace. As a rabid opponent of the ugliest, most poorly designed site on the Internet, I was only forced to create an account because I wanted to view the accounts of my friends, who begged me to join. Because I fill in some non-required information (sexual orientation, for instance), I tend to get targeted by a lot of strange, unsolicited messages from complete strangers.
The most common messages that show up in my MySpace mailbox are from people with names like “HungBrandon” or “Top2Bottom” who are (or are posing as) porn stars, trying to acquire as many “friends” as possible. I usually deny those friend requests because I figure that the word “friend” should have at least a tiny bit of meaning. I don’t consider the lady who bags my groceries at Safeway a “friend”, and I’ve met her in person. Therefore, it’s silly to think that “Top2Bottom” is going to be on my friends list when he hasn’t even bagged my groceries.
Then, there is the type of message that I really loathe — the “let’s go for drinks even though I don’t know you” message from someone who I would never be even remotely attracted to. I know that this sounds snobby, and I generally feel quite bad for not replying to these strangers, but I usually don’t spend too much time thinking about it.
That all changed last week. But first, the background story. February 7, 2006, at 2:16am, I received this message on MySpace from someone I’d never seen or talked to before (personal info redacted out of respect):
Subject: your hella cute
Body: i wanted to say hello to you
CXXXX
408 417 XXXX
Although poor grammar is a deal-breaker for me, and I don’t much appreciate people thinking it’s okay to give me their phone number without even chatting with me first, I looked at his profile and decided to simply ignore the message. While I won’t go into to many details, his profile spends quite a bit of time (and poor spelling, and excessive amounts of bandwidth dedicated to pictures and movies of models, Frappucinos, and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish) explaining how he’s the “fun one” in his group, and how he makes “people show off their true humor in one self”. Uggh. So I didn’t reply. Yet, it didn’t end:
Date: March 14, 2006 8:06pm
Subject: hey cutie
Body: your hella cute and we should talk some more and hang out sometime
CXXXX
408 417 XXXX
Beyond the use of “hella”, can you guess what else is wrong with this picture? We should “talk some more”? We haven’t talked yet. AT ALL. Nor will we. EVER. Again, I ignored this unwanted solicitation. Yet still, he persists:
Date: April 19, 2006 3:27pm
Subject: hey steven
Body: i thought i say since i see you on myspace alot and never get around to saying hello, you are very handsome and if you want i wouldn’t mind talking to you a little more.
CXXXX
A much better attempt, with the use of the word “handsome”, but there’s no way I’m biting. You “never get around to saying hello”? You’ve already emailed me twice, and I’ve ignored you! And again, if we’ve never talked before, you can’t say we should talk “more”.
Although the saga of unwanted MySpace messages ends there, last week something substantially worse happened. I was out in the small park near my apartment walking Miss Cleo, my new chihuahua (who I owe a dedicated blog post, to come later). I had my earbuds in, and I was listening to one of my usual morning podcasts, when a total stranger approaches and starts staring at me and my dog.
After an awkward moment or two of this staring, I took my earbuds out.
The stranger asked, “Is your name Steven?”
“Yes,” I replied. “Do I know you?”
“No,” he said, “But I’ve seen you on MySpace.”
Then I recognized him. It was the unsolicited emailer. Standing there, approaching me randomly, in the park. Because I’m not rude, I tried to make brief small talk, and then I turned away to continue monitoring Miss Cleo to verify that she was doing her business. He just kept standing there, silent, for 30 seconds, staring at me.
Finally, he left. I reflected on this bizarre encounter for a few moments, and the more I thought about it, the more it irked and angered me. In the world of meeting people online, there is an unwritten rule that if you see someone from online who you recognize, and you’re not on familiar or friendly terms, you don’t approach them to meet them for the first time. It’s common courtesy. You don’t ever put someone on the spot like that. Especially someone who clearly has no intention of ever meeting you.
I’ve seen people from online before and I’ve chosen not to approach them because it’s wrong. Yet this socially handicapped crazy person felt that it was okay to approach me by myself in the park. I guess I’ll give him credit for having guts. But that’s where the credit ends and the fury begins.
I suppose I’ve learned a very important meta-lesson. However unrecognizable you think you are, there’s always the possibility that the wrong person from the Internet may see you and strike without warning. Then, the only thing you can do is think of some way to get out of it. Next time, I think I will just lie down on the ground and play dead until the attacker goes away. After all, it works on bears.
Maybe FOX will create a new special called When MySpace Freaks Attack. I’d be more than happy to participate in a reenactment of my brush with danger.
Tags: 360, friendster, hotornot, life, misscleo, myspace, online, rants