05.24.05
At last! Spice Girls reunite!
The other day I saw a repeat of Saturday Night Live from 1997 on E! where the Spice Girls performed. They weren’t really that great live, but at least they sang — and unlike Britney Spears, they weren’t afraid to sing with their own banshee-like voices because the power of 5 buxom British women of various ethnicities and hair colors in various states of undress used to be enough to sell music — SCREW TALENT!
Well, it looks like the founders of the Girl Power movement are going to be making an attempt at a come-back with a reunion tour (but — *drat!* — no new material)! How will they stand up in today’s changed world? I have a few predictions:
* “Baby Spice” will change her name to “Fetus Spice” as a nod to the religious right’s battle to overturn Roe v. Wade. What better way to show people the beauty of an unborn child than to put it in a skimpy Gucci number and make it sing “zig-a-zig-ah”?
* “Scary Spice” will change her name to “Successful Black Businesswoman Spice” because in 2005 we don’t think black people are scary anymore.
* “Sporty Spice” will shed her Pumas and put on some high heels with pointy toes to smash the stereotype that all lesbians look like her.
* “Ginger Spice” will wear a dress on the tour made completely of melted down copies of all her solo albums that she wished someone had purchased. In a cross-promotion, AOL will include three copies with each “15493 FREE HOURS!” disc they mail out.
* “Posh Spice” will bring her husband, metrosexual soccer star David Beckham, on tour with her for fear that the press won’t show up at any of their gigs unless *someone* famous is there.
And finally …
* The new Spice Girls “best of” disc will be sold exclusively at the concert for $19.98, making it the most expensive 3-track CD ever produced.
Spice Girls Reunite, Gays Rejoice : Gawker
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