04.25.05
No, I don’t work here.
Why is it that in crowds, people constantly stop me to ask me questions even though my ear canals are completely plugged with earbuds? There are plenty of other people around who know what train this is, or whether it’s going to Queens, or where the Empire State Building is. In fact, those other people are more likely to know the answers to these directional questions, but instead, without fail I am forced to pull out my earbuds to usually say “I don’t know… I’m sorry!”
Along the same lines, why is it that whenever I’m in a store, people constantly ask me if I work there? It doesn’t matter if I’m on my cellphone, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, looking for cough medicine. Without fail, even though I *never* look like I should work there, people still ask me. Sometimes I want to say yes, and then be extremely rude or give a strange response so that they will complain to the manager about the person who doesn’t wear the same uniform as the other employees who is giving bad advice. Here’s how I imagine that conversation would go:
* * * * *
Stranger: “Do you work here?”
Me: “Why yes, yes I do! I’m wearing the signature Target employee uniform: A pair of jeans with a hole in them and a blue button-down shirt with diagonal stripes! Can I help you?”
Stranger: “Where are the Lifesavers?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but they don’t make those anymore. Have you tried eBay?”
Stranger: “No, I saw them on a commercial just last week.”
Me: “I don’t know what to tell you… are you sure you weren’t watching an old episode of Dynasty on your VCR? There might have been a Lifesavers commercial on your tape.”
(Customer angrily storms away)
* * * * *
But alas, I normally just say, “I’m sorry, no” and politely walk away, leaving the stranger completely ignorant to the complex and witty dialogue that I’ve just had with myself.
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