06.17.04
stop the madness
the best reason to keep a journal is to capture how you’re feeling at the moment. so i’m going to make my first update in a long time to talk about how i’m feeling.
the last few weeks have been really rough. i’m on a job hunt now, for reasons that i really need to explain here but haven’t had time time. so let me get that out of the way now.
* * *
back in march, i was offered a promotion that i was very excited about. i tried to throw my heart into it and instead got told by my project manager that every project at metlife is guaranteed to be a failure and that he resented the fact that i thought i could make a positive change when he was unable to as a project manager. at that moment, my stomach just sank into a black hole, because i realized that i was working for a person who was not going to be motivational, and rather than working with me, he was working against me.
so i went to his manager, the director who hired me originally over 2 years ago. i talked to all my co-workers and we all agreed that our project manager was the biggest cause of problems within our team. he’s harsh, rude, angry all the time, and not a team player. so, armed with that information i went to file my complaint.
april 14 - i spoke to the director, who i think i have a good relationship wtih, and he told me that he would talk to the others on my team to try to determine the scope of the morale issue, and that he would get back to me soon.
so i watched the calendar.
april 21 - nothing.
april 28 - nothing. i call him, and he says he will take care of it the next week when i’m on vacation.
may 5 - nothing.
may 12 - nothing.
may 19 - nothing.
may 26 - nothing.
june 4 - he talks to one of my co-workers. he approaches me and says that he will talk to me the following week when the project manager is out in training.
june 11 - nothing.
this is why i’ve been interviewing. 8 weeks and still nothing. i can’t work somewhere where i feel that i’m not being paid any attention to, especially since it was so incredibly important to me.
* * *
interviewing is difficult. it’s not really fun at all and requires you to dress up in a way that you never would to impress someone who you may or may not end up working for. it’s stressful, it’s time-consuming, but i seem to do okay at it.
here’s a run-down of my interviews:
1. nyc tech firm, wants me to travel to jacksonville, florida, 5 days a week until the end of the year. i say that’s fine. the interview goes great. the follow-up interview goes great. i hear nothing. they tell me they sent me an email (which i never got). i ask them to send it again. they supposedly send it. it never arrives. they’re going to call me next week. that was last week. i give up.
2. internal metlife position 10 minutes from my doorstep. pay will be good, very close, don’t have to switch companies. very promising. the interview was last tuesday. i haven’t heard back yet, but we’ll see.
3. internal metlife position #2. 10 minutes from my doorstep also. TERRIBLE job. would involve wearing a pager, answering tech calls at 2am, and the like. not fun. NO NO NO NO NO. that’s okay. i don’t think they want me anyway.
4. this is where we are today. tommy hilfiger. everyone knows who they are .they’re interviewing me for my dream job, working on their external website, and their new e-commerce effort. this is a huge freaking deal. the first interview was on friday, and it went really really well. i clicked with the interviewer (who is also the manager) and it seemed really promising. they called me back within a few hours to schedule another interview. i went in today and met with the director of human resources, and they called me back a few hours later to get my references. so they’ve been calling my references. one was great, another was so-so.
* * *
so here i sit. i’m a nervous wreck. i would love to give my notice this week and move on to this new exciting job in manhattan riding the train an hour each day to be able to say that i wear casual clothes and work in the fashion industry with forward-thinking people, rather than having to tell them i work on a reporting site for a company that sells insurance that only pays you if you lose a limb or die. let’s see… death, or clothes. death, or clothes. hmmm… i know it’s a tough choice.
so even though it’s 6pm, i’m waiting for the phone to ring. and i’m probably not going to sleep tonight. this, all in spite of the fact that i’m very behind at work. it’s that feeling of “i’m leaving anyway so why care” but i’m not in a position to assume i’ve got the job yet.
i need time to move faster.
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