11.04.03
i know what you tell yourself
i’m fat.
let’s spare the pleasantries, shall we? it’s something that i’m becoming more and more familiar with every day as my clothing fits less and less and a simple polo shirt from old navy (not so) suddenly is as tight as a solid gold dancer’s metallic tube top.
i can’t stand it for multiple reasons. i want to be able to fit into the clothes that i want to wear and not feel like going shopping for clothing is a nightmare. i want to be able to dress how i want without having to be concerned with my ever expanding waistline.
i realize that diet (ick) and exercise are the best way to get in shape. fine. i’m getting back on the wagon doing that. but there’s one really bad situation that i don’t know how to deal with. i’m going to be seeing people over the holidays that i haven’t seen in almost a year, and i have to face the humiliation that comes along with knowing that you’re going to be showing up to see people who haven’t seen you in a long time and you look like you’ve let yourself go.
not that i really think that any of my friends at home would care even if i weighed 300 lbs. but it’s a very internal thing. and i know that i might get replies to this entry about “body image” and “liking myself” and all that crap, but the truth is that you can’t force someone to like themself. it’s a matter of doing what you need to do to be happy with yourself. and i’m not going to be one of those people who shouts from the rooftops “FAT IS OKAY!” because it simply is not. it’s unhealthy. it hurts your self-esteem and your physical health. and no matter what anyone says, when star jones and that obnoxious beast who hosts “showtime at the apollo” go home and look at themselves in the mirror naked, they probably *do* think Gee I hate myself. I’m such an obese pig. it’s a sad truth. no one who is fat is really happy. now don’t get me wrong — we all have something we want to improve. i wish i didn’t have this bump on my nose. some people with the most beautiful red hair hate it. some people want to be a little taller or have blue eyes instead of poop brown ones. some things about yourself you can’t change, but some things you can.
it’s time for a change.
i’m so fucking sick of atkins and south beach and weight watchers and trimspa all that bullshit that pollutes our lives everyday — people trying to make money off of people who have a real problem that they need to / want to fix. these things might have helped someone at some point, but they all conflict and because they all conflict most people don’t know how to make heads or tails out of any of it.
who knows what works? who cares? i know the solution. i’m going to get off of my fat chair-sitting computer-typing southwestern eggroll-eating ass and do some exercise. i was at my thinnest when i was having to ride my bike to work every day in high school. i look at those pictures and realize that my lifestyle — going out to eat all the time and sitting on my ass all day working — has caused me to be at my physical worst.
i’m not feeling sorry for myself, though. i just know that i have to do something about it. so today i’m going low-carb. (yes, i blasted the fads, including atkins, earlier) because i know that it works for me. i also bought a nordic track that is being delivered tomorrow, and i think that 45min. each day of cardio will be extremely helpful to me.
i’m going to continue posting about my progress. a few things are for certain — i will not become a bitter “i hate the world because i’m fat” person. i will be able to fit into the clothes that i want to wear. i will accept the fact that i am not one of those people with a built-in metabolic furnace and that i will have to watch this for my entire life.
anyway, if you see me when i’m home for the holidays and you think to yourself tsk tsk tsk he has really gotten fat, remember that it’s not going to be like that for long. and i have the millions of people (or more?) who read my livejournal every day to hold me to that promise.
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