06.21.03
18215
stupid transparent gifs… i know it looks like crap. it’s my fault for linking to an external site… maybe i’m just as bad as bill o’reilly.
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06.20.03
17714
i have this sense in my life right now of not getting anything done that i ever want to accomplish… and it’s really hard for me, because there is so much that i want to do, but i can’t seem to get over all the things that are holding me back — invisible forces that i can’t really explain.
for instance, i can’t keep my room clean. or my desk at work. and i really want to because i hate to work in a mess, but for some reason things just get out of hand. and it’s always been that way, my entire life. and no amount of paxil seems to be able to fix this problem. i’ve wanted to get in shape for some time and while i keep making a tiny bit of progress here and there, what i really want to do is get up in the morning at 6am like i used to for several months and go work out and start my day on the right note. then i want to come home and every day knock one more thing off of my endless to-do list so that i can actually be happy and relaxed for a change.
i hate feeling so incredibly cluttered… sometimes i can’t even stand to be around myself because of it. but i’m not exactly sure what to do about it. my mother tried, lord knows, but that didn’t help at all. i don’t want to resolve myself to a life of being a pig, but i don’t know how to correct the problem. i’m convinced, though, that if i did i would be much happier in the long run.
is this natural? for a disorganized person to want so badly to be organized? so many messy people are so incredibly happy living in their messes because they think they have a “system”. i know there is no method to my madness… there is just something inherently wrong with me that i seem to not be able to control. i procrastinate, and i never can get anything together. that’s why i don’t write in my journal every day even though it would only take me a few minutes — because i’ve lost my grasp on my own life.
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06.13.03
17409
i’ve lost the will to write in my journal.
i have this picture of me sitting up in my bed on my laptop every night before bed musing about my day, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way. life gets in the way.
i have something that i need to capture, so here it is.
the other day i went to go eat lunch at the mall like i do just about every day. i had my usual from steak escape — a chicken ranch salad. nice and atkins-friendly. i take my lunch and go to find a table to sit at in the food court. i pick one by the escalator because i enjoy people-watching on my lunch break. i take a bite of my salad, and suddenly this lanky asian man appears before me and asks if the chair across from me is taken. i say no, because i figured he wanted to take it to another table nearby. fair assumption, right? no. he decides to sit down right across from me to eat his panda express like we’ve been friends for all of our lives. i was mortified. who sits down with a stranger when there are a wide variety of other seats available? so, i picked up my cellphone, pretended to make a call, and then i left to relocate to another table with my back facing that one. part of me felt bad for the man because i don’t understand his intentions. maybe he was lonely. maybe he wanted to make a friend. i’m not really sure. but i was very uncomfortable. it got me thinking about how incredibly anti-social we are as creatures… we refuse to interact with those who are not properly introduced. has this happened to anyone else? am i crazy?
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