12.19.99
too much thinking
today was not the best day. i had to work, and it kinda sucked. also, i made the biggest fool of myself today. i have to admit, i get like this sometimes, and it’s not really that good of a thing. see, i was worried for absolutely no reason… about stupid things. 
but i really don’t want to talk about it right now, because it’s been a pretty hard day.
i sat around at work and did virtually nothing. well, almost nothing… because i thought. after reading ryan’s diary entry, i have to admit that i’m a little bit upset. i didn’t say anything to him about it because i didn’t want to make a deal about it, but i’m a little bit upset that i’m going to be out of town for 3 weeks as well.
this is kinda hard for me to say, because i know that more people than just myself have access to this thing… but i’ve had such a good time with ryan the last two days, and it worries me that when i leave he’ll just kinda forget about me. no matter how loud i scream cher songs in his ear, distance (even short term) can make things odd.
i thought a lot about what happened last night too… i had such a good time, and it was such a simple situation. that just blows me away, because i feel like i have this connection with ryan… i dunno… but i had a great time.
the thing i hate about this game though is that you never know exactly what the other person is thinking at the moment. the end of the night was so awkward for me, because i didn’t know what to do. what’s funny is that i’m getting this sick feeling in my stomach now that is reminiscent of last night… so let’s discuss the situational possibilities.
the reality of it was that i really felt compelled to give the boy a real kiss. and i only feel like a dork right now because i know my diary isn’t private… but if i had done what i wanted to, i would have planted one right on his lips. but i didn’t know if it was appropriate. so i settled for the cheek (you don’t think i was going to settle for NOTHING, did you?) =]
ryan seems to regret that he moved me a little more towards the lips (which he did) but i was flattered. this game is so hard! human dating is not very different from animal courtship because all these little signs and songs and rituals are all present.
kayla just walked in and saw that i’m visibly upset and thinks that i’m being too dramatic. i guess i hafta be honest with myself… and my dear lil’ diary… i really don’t date that much. it’s because the people that i meet are always the wrong people. i just happened to have met a really great person right before i’m going home for christmas. and the fact that he wishes i was staying means a lot to me… but it kinda hurts a little bit too, because i feel like if i go, i may miss out on something that could be really great.
or, perhaps this is just my exhaustion talking. i’m not working tomorrow, and i’m hoping that i can get in touch with ryan sometime tomorrow because i wanna introduce him to my dearest friend kelsie.
in conclusion, i think you can tell so much by a person’s smile. at least i can. sorry that this isn’t much of a deep thought… but i’m too tired to be deep.
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